Even a stopped clock gives the right time twice a day. And the brexit ultras and associated careerists are correct that the so-called “Chequers” proposal is indeed “worse than status quo”. Damning indeed if you take “Marguerita Time” into consideration.

Surprisingly¹, however, they haven’t come up with any alternative, apart from no deal crash-and-burn and more Minford nonsense. And it seems the Labour leadership are still running scared of kippers. So, in the spirit of rising up to the challenge, I offer a few ideas inspired by rumours of European Research Group² brainstorming which bizarrely they didn’t feel confident enough to publish. I may be a bit confused, but no more so than most, and at least there are no dodgy terrorism analogies.

1. British fish for British fishing boats. Catch all the fish and put them in a big pond where the French can’t get them. Especially scallops, which I think are some kind of fish, although on Oldham market they used to be potato slices in batter if I recall.
2. New missile defence system to deter unlicensed aircraft attempting to land at our airports.
3. Move Gibraltar to the Isle of White. Or possibly the Falklands, whichever turns out to be nearer.
4. Close the borders to fund the NHS. Those machines that read your passport should fetch a few quid, I think they’ve even got lasers in. And if no one is landing at our airports (see 2. above) then we certainly don’t need them.
5. Close the NHS to fund the universities. Obviously.
6. British space for British satellites. Close the universities except those bits working on a British version of Galileo, to be renamed Patrick Moore.
7. Financial services. Personally I have already risen to the challenge, by going to the cash machine in Geneva as often as possible and taking out Swiss francs. Everyone else should do something like that too.
8. Our own totally British version of the single market. Probably somewhere in Chelsea, and selling mostly powdered eggs and black market insulin.
9. More flags.
10. Build  a British version of the Large Hadron Collider only better, and discover an extra dimension of spacetime where all this makes sense.

It is clear that this plan entails some hardship and uncertainty, especially the last bit, but we must show faith (and flags – see 9 above). This will all be ok in the long term. Four or five generations should do it.

Or maybe the rest of the “Withnail and I” quote in the first sentence is appropriate, and we are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell. Making an enemy of our own future.

What we need is harmony, fresh air, stuff like that.

¹ Not really.

² I just noticed that I initially and incorrectly called them the European Reform Group here. Somehow the word “Research” seems so… incongruous.